What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:47
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
What are some questions obviously just asked for sexual gratification?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
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So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I think the readers, may guess!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
All the time i was locked up.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My life is so biszare .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!